Jack Off Frost
by LauraHilary
Summary: Edward has always admired Jack Frost. When he attends a holiday party dressed as his hero, he meets Bella who is pretty much his frozen wet dream. Humorous,lemony, and crazy.


**A/N: I'm a crazy person, therefore this O/S will be strange and humorous. You'll be disgusted and turned on at the same time. This is not beta'd and never will be. It's all for fun. Oh yeah, I don't own Twilight. Enjoy!**

I smiled at myself in the mirror as my eyes roamed over the costume and makeup that I wore. Alice had really outdone herself. Tonight, I wasn't Edward Cullen, I was Jack Frost. Oh yes, him. Ever since I was little, I'd had a strange fascination with the fictional character. He was able to freeze shit and stuff. Plus as I got older I realized that he would be able to make nipples hard and skirts fly up with a simple huff from his mouth. Damn, what a lucky guy. What I wouldn't give to suck on a titsicle.

My hands lightly touched my bronze colored locks that were now tinged with a frosty white color. Jack from Titanic had nothing on me. Tonight I was the ice man.

Jasper, Alice and I all crammed into the car and drove to the party which was already in full force when we arrived. Alice flitted from the car in her Sugar Plum Fairy costume. Jasper waltzed from the car in his Nutcracker costume. I snorted a little as he spun on his tiptoes to the entrance of the building.

"JASPER!" Alice whined in a nasally voice. "You look prettier than me. Stop!"

I rolled my eyes at the two. They were constantly competing for the spotlight.

"Let's just get inside guys." We gave our tickets to the bouncer and walked into a booming party filled with Christmas cheer. The whole room was decorated in a North Pole theme. And of course everywhere I looked there was someone dressed as Santa Clause. Holy elves, they were everywhere too. Oh look, a candy cane chick. Sexy.

Jasper danced up to the bar area and grabbed a few drinks. He had to go back several times because he kept spilling them when he would spin back to us. The last time he stomped back looking frustrated.

"Ugh I can never pull that off! I'm such a failure!" He whined. Alice patted his back. "It's okay sweetie. I'll show you how to do it better later, okay?" She grinned looking satisfied. Jasper's cheeks reddened.

After shooting down a few peppermint vodka drinks I was feeling fresh and possibly a little horny. There had to be someone around here to dance with. Santa wasn't my thing. I mean, if someone liked getting freaky Santa that was their business. I however was not interested in that.

My eyes darted around the room. Oh, a snowflake, that was pretty cool. Jack Frost like. My legs began to walk towards her until I noticed a snowwoman. Well shit, fuck the snowflake. Snowwoman it is! I approached her and invited her for a dance. It was fun but a little awkward with her big balls and what not. Her carrot nose poked me in the eye too. My semi hardened dick started to deflate after her stick arms tore a hole in the arm of my suit. That shit was expensive.

"Look, you're pretty cool and all, but this isn't gonna work. I can't even imagine what would happen to my dick if I whipped it out right now. You should probably just stick to doing Frosty the Snowman."

The snowwoman waddled off crying. Jack Frost didn't want her balls. I can see why she'd be upset.

"Shut up Emmett! You and Rose have like, the most generic costumes ever. Who cares if I'm evil? I'm still wintery."

"Yeah, but its Christmastime! You're supposed to be cheerful, not an evil queen!"

I turned my head to the left and saw a Santa and Mrs. Clause. Mrs. Clause was glaring at Santa like he was the biggest douche ever. Then my eyes trained on the woman beside them.

She was dressed as the White Queen from The Lion, The Witch, And the Wardrobe. She was in all white, and it looked as if she had icicles on her brow and in her hair. My dick hardened.

"Holy fuck." I moaned. The sound reminded me of the time I'd eaten too much bean dip. Let's just say it was explosive and uncomfortable. But the moan was right on track. I felt weak and a little sweaty.

My legs carried me towards the beautiful ice queen. The trio looked at me as I approached, perhaps looking a little in awe of the woman in front of me.

"Hello, I'm Jack, Jack Frost." The queen's eyebrow's rose and her pupils dilated. "You look fabulous my fellow ice lover." She did look wonderful. The only thing that distracted from the look was her eyes. They were warm and brown and sort of began melting Jack Frost's heart.

"Thank you Sir Frost. I am pleased to make your acquaintance." She gave me a smile that showed off her sparkling white teeth. I frosted my pants a little.

"Oh for God's sake why are they talking like that?" Santa asked. "Shut up!" The blonde Mrs. Clause said as she elbowed him.

"Would you care for a dance, my queen?" I held out my hand to her. She put her hand in mine and we took off towards the dance floor.

A new song began to play and we both grinned when we realized what song it was.

"_Chestnut's roasting on an open fire! Jack Frost nipping at your nose…" _

"Ungh." I moaned. The White Queen wrapped her arms around my neck, and I placed my hands on her waist, err well actually her ass. We swayed in time with the music and it was probably one of the most amazing few minutes of my life. I finally felt like Jack Frost, the luckiest bastard alive.

I looked down into her eyes and suddenly my peppermint stick was so frozen that I wasn't sure if it would ever defrost.

"Let's get out of here." She whispered.

"Let's." I agreed.

We exited the party and both looked at each other expectantly as we stood out front.

"Well where's your car?" She asked.

Dammit! "I rode with friends. What about you?"

"I came with my brother and his girlfriend." She pouted.

My eyes searched the area. Nearby there was a group of trees and bushes. I grabbed her hand and we stomped through the snow together, giggling when one of us would stumble.

We pushed through the bushes and there was a sort of clearing, covered in a fresh blanket of undisturbed snow.

"It's perfect." She whispered. I could only nod as I twirled a strand of her frost covered brown hair around my finger. The next thing I knew, she'd dropped to her knees in front of me. Her hands went to the fly of my white pants.

"W-what are you doing my queen?" I asked, though I knew exactly what she was about to do.

"Time to blow some snow, Jack." She said in a sultry voice.

"Fuck."

She pulled my zipper down and put her hand inside of pants. A moment later her hand wrapped around my dick and she freed it from its confines.

"Oh my god."

"Oh Mr. Frost, it seems as though you're positively frozen solid." I watched as she planted small kisses on the head of my dicksicle. She began licking it like it was an ice cream cone, or a popsicle. And then, she took me entirely into her mouth.

"Holy fucking sh-" I couldn't even finished my sentence because my dick hit the back of her throat. It was only a minute later that I released a blizzard into her mouth. She released me with a pop and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand as she stood up.

"You're next." I growled as I placed my lips upon her minty lips. My hands found the back of her dress and unzipped it quickly She stepped out of it into the cold snow, her nipples hardening into the most beautiful titsicles that I'd ever seen. Her teeth chattered a bit and my brows furrowed.

"Are you too cold my queen?"

"Never." She whispered. "Jack Frost is just nipping at my…" She looked down at her nipples and smiled.

I laid her dress down onto the ground and then she lay on top of it. My mouth found her titsicles and I began sucking hungrily.

"Jack, oh my god Jack. Fuck."

I kept sucking until she was screaming for me to fuck her. I stood up to quickly take off my clothes.

"Put your dicksicle in me Jack Frost!"

Suddenly I was kind of jealous of Jack Frost. The douche was getting credit for _my _work. I wanted her to say _my_ name.

I laid my body down onto hers, nudging her legs open with my own.

My dick slipped inside of her thawing pussy and the warmth was incredible.

"Holy freaking Jesus My Savior. So warm."

The beauty underneath me giggled before I claimed her lips with mine.

I began slowly thrusting in and out. It was a delicious torture. The queen began breathing faster, making a gasping sort of sound. Her mouth parted and I could see and feel that she was close.

"Frost me!" She moaned. That spurred me on and seconds after she clamped down around my dicksicle, I released my frosty glory inside of her.

Moments after we both came down from our high, the fact that we were laying in the snow naked seemed to hit us.

"Oh my god I'm fucking freezing." She said through chattering teeth.

"Shit, me too. Let's get dressed." I helped her up before gathering my damp clothes and slipping them on. She stepped into her dress and I zipped it up.

"We need to get you inside. Your dress is nearly soaked."

"So are my panties…" She mumbled.

Suddenly I was hit with the realization that we hadn't used protection.

"Please tell me that you're on birth control." I groaned.

She nodded and smiled shyly. "I am. By the way, I'm Bella." She held out her hand to me.

I shook my head and returned the smile. "I'm Edward. It's nice to uh…meet you?" We shook hands awkwardly.

"We should get back Jack. I mean Edward." Bella slipped on her shoes and we started walking back through the snow. I looked back at where we had been and saw that there was a perfectly made snow angel where we had fucked on the ground.

I smirked. Take that Jack Frost, I can do cool tricks too.

Once we'd reached the building I noticed that Alice and Jasper were outside twirling around.

"Oh for all that is holy." The two were having a dance off…or a twirl off. Whatever.

"You guys look ridiculous!" I told them. Jasper stopped and crossed his arms. "Well _she_ has been trying to show me up all evening. I was getting tired of it!"

"Jasper, just accept the fact that I'm better at ballet. You could learn a lot from me."

"Ugh!" Jasper yelled.

"Hey! I'm Bella. You must be Edward's friends?" She introduced herself to them. Alice and Jasper's looks of annoyance faded and they smiled at her. Alice looked between the two of us knowingly.

"Well done Jack Off Frost. I was afraid you'd be leaving with the Snowwoman. Honestly I was trying to prepare different ways to explain to the ER doctor of why you had a stick up your ass."

"Alice!"

Just then, a familiar Santa and Mrs. Clause came into view.

"Oh thank God. We've been looking everywhere for you Bella!" Santa said.

"I'm fine Emmett. By the way, you have bean dip in your beard." Bella said.

My ass cheeks clenched at the mention of bean dip.

"You ready to get in the sleigh Bella?" Mrs. Clause asked.

"Yeah Rose, give me a minute okay?"

The pair walked off to fetch the sleigh and Bella pulled me out of earshot of Alice and Jasper.

"I had fun with you _Jack_." She smiled.

"I had fun with you my Queen." I smirked.

"We should do it again soon. Or, well Bella and Edward should." Bella blushed and I found that I liked it, a lot. Warmth was definitely better than the cold.

The sound of jingle bells rang into the night, coming closer with each passing second.

"Here's my phone, put your number in there." I handed her my iPhone. She took it from me and clicked over the screen.

"There it is. I'd get yours but I didn't bring my phone."

"It's okay. I'll be calling you soon Bella, you can count on that." I took my phone from her and put it in my pocket.

A large sleigh led by two large horses came sliding around the corner. The horses had reindeer antlers strapped to their heads. Santa and Mrs. Clause sat next to each other and they both looked down at Bella expectantly.

"Yo Bella, you ready to go?" Santa asked.

I looked at the girl in front of me and smiled. She gave me a sweet smile before moving towards the sleigh. I walked up to it with her and helped her up into it.

"Thanks Edward." We gazed into each other's eyes and I took her hand and placed my lips upon it. Just when I started getting a really good kiss in, the sleigh began moving forward and Bella was ripped away from me.

"Dammit Emmett!"

"What? I've got a fuckton of presents to deliver. Stop being selfish!"

Their voices were fading but I could hear Bella scream back at Emmett.

"Oh so _now_ it's fine to be in character? Fuck you Santa!"

I laughed and motioned Alice and Jasper to head towards the car. Best. Holiday party. Ever.


End file.
